12 Tips for "Couple Trouble"

Things to Think About

1      Take stock of what is truly important in your life.  How would you spend your time if you had six months to live?  How would you think about you relationship differently?

2      Accept compromise and tolerate the persistent differences.  Most happy couples learn to live with significant differences about money, in-laws, vacations, household chores, etc.  Acknowledging the differences between the two of you does not have to mean you agree with them.

3      Identify and separate your frustrations.  Frustrations come from many sources, work, children, school etc.  Frustrations can come from the present and the past.  Avoid dumping frustrations on your partner that belong somewhere else.

Things to Do

4      Catch your partner doing something right.  Look for partner behaviours that are pleasing, and compliment your partner when he or she does them.

5      Surprise your partner with thoughtfulness.  Use your knowledge of your partner to please him or her unexpectedly.  Allow your partner to discover your thoughtfulness by her or himself.  Curb your disappointment if your partner misses your effort.  Try something else.

6      Carve out “couple time” your partner will enjoy.  Our busy lives often fill up with tasks.  Take time to spend with your partner.

Manage Tense Moments

7      Before reacting angrily, count to ten.  This old adage actually works.  Speak your point, but without the anger.  Every expression of negative emotion requires five expressions of positive emotion to regain a position of neutral feeling

8      Negotiate an unconventional place to discuss contentious issues.   Moving from your usual location of arguments to another room can shift your disagreements enough to reduce negative feelings and introduce new ideas.

9      Take a time out.  When issues get heated, politely announce a twenty-minute time out and then return with a calm tone and the intention to compromise.

10  When you know you have made a mistake, apologise. Few of us live closely with a partner without making some mistakes.  Admit your fault, say your sorry, and explore ways to avoid the mistake in the future.

Listen with Your Heart 

11  Provide support, solutions are secondary.  Feeling attached is a strong binding force in a relationship.  Many partners seek to relieve the frustrations of daily life by sharing them with a partner.  Really listening fosters togetherness.  Many of us impatient listeners try to shorten the process by offering solutions before our partner is ready to hear them.  Listen first.  If a solution occurs to you say,  “When you are ready, dear, I have a solution that might be helpful to you.”   When your partner is ready, she or he will be more open to your idea.

12 Deeply listen to your partner.  On an issue that is important to your partner, repeat your partner’s words back to them so that he or she knows you are really listening.  Keep this up and when your partner is finished, say the three most challenging words in a relationship,

 “Is there more?” 

 Continue listening until your partner can answer “No” to this question.  This is difficult to do but can go a long way to strengthening your relationship. 

If you think you may benefit from couples counselling please contact Sam at Therapy for Life

You may want somewhere neutral to really sort things out, and you will learn new skills and techniques in communication to help your relationship long term.

Parents who feel helpless... the best thing you could do for your child is this

Are you struggling to connect with your child?

Are emotions high, arguments constant, behaviour bad?

Do they seem quiet and shy or constantly getting into trouble?

If you are worried and they are not talking to you, you probably feel helpless.

The one certain way you can help your child is through counselling.

We at Therapy for Life have counsellors on board that have huge experience working with children from all backgrounds.

As a parent we feel our child’s pain, but thinking you are unable to help is incorrect. Let your child form a trusting bond with a therapist so they can release everything

that is bothering them.

“Sometimes kids don’t want to tell us parents all their ‘stuff’ for fear of hurting us or being disciplined.” 

Sam Director at Therapy for Life 

Take a massive step towards doing one of the best things you could ever do for your child. You know you’re a good parent when you never stop trying to help them.

“We don’t judge or criticise your parenting, we know how tough it is."

We are a big solution for a child that needs somewhere to talk and release their worries and pain.

You will notice how much better your child feels after the first session. Please call us, and you’ll be taking one of the most caring and beneficial actions for your child’s wellbeing.

Please contact Sam at Therapy for Life, you will be very welcomed by our friendly therapists, you will be seen quickly, and see how easy and laid back it all is for you.

How to Negotiate Awkward Questions

We often find people asking questions and probing into our lives. For some it’s fine, but for others who don’t feel they’re in a good place right now, it's intrusive and unsettling.

We all have standards when it comes to manners and many people who are 'people pleasers' will not want to offend the person probing for information, we sometimes reluctantly and uncomfortably give it all away in a rush of anxiety. 

"There are many reasons we want to keep things private, fear of judgement and misunderstanding is one of the main reasons."

No matter how much we may say

“I don’t care what they think of me”

We still do on some level...

Not only that, when we feel pressured we revert back to our child when being asked personal questions, similar to how you were spoken to years ago by a parent or teacher and therefore feel you must answer honestly and in full.

"Many clients come to me with feelings of stress and anxiety, and occasionally the problem is dealing with Other People."

Social skills levels vary in all of us, depending on our upbringing, our self-esteem and confidence, our character and how much we really enjoy others company.

But for those of us who struggle, there are a few techniques that will help you dodge or deal with those awkward probing questions and uncomfortable conversations with family, friends and colleagues.

Before you enter into your life experiment, it’s wise to just check in with yourself and be aware that you intend to tackle each encounter differently and take control using these techniques...

Distract - Diffuse - Delay 

Distract

This skill is used to change the subject of conversation or line of questioning being directed at you. It’s useful if you know some details about the person directing the questions or details about someone you mutually know.

For example

• Awkward Question:  “So how’s the job hunting going?”
• Answer 1 “That reminds me, I forgot to ask you about your new job.” (about them)
• Answer 2 “Job hunting? I’ve been spending time with my son, you know he’s starting senior school soon.” (about you but redirected)
• Answer 3 “Talking of jobs, I wonder how that job is going for Uncle Mike.” (about someone else) 

You can of course answer a question with another question, which is another form of Distraction...

For example

• Awkward Question: “I heard you lost your job, how are you managing financially?”
• Question response: “Talking of money, didn’t Jim win the lottery?"

Diffuse

If confrontation is possible, this can cause a great amount of anxiety before the event. Learning diffusing skills helps you to stay in control and levels your emotions, but also reflects the behaviour back to the source allowing them to become aware of their behaviour. Direct reflection must be done carefully as it may come across as sarcasm. The key with all of this is to remain sounding calm in your voice and keeping your own emotions out of the words.

For Example

• Confrontational Question: “Why do you always turn up late and ruin everything?”
• Answer 1 “I’m sorry you feel my being late has ruined everything” (direct reflection of their words absorbing their anger)
• Answer 2 “Perhaps there is something I can do to help put things right” (offering a solution)
• Answer 3 “Perhaps we could discuss how you feel about this later... ” (offering to talk extensively later once feeling calmer)

Delay

If you are someone that has difficulty saying ‘no’ to people and seem to take on everything that is asked of you, maybe you stutter and stumble when faced with difficult questions and personal subjects, or you might be caught off guard and suddenly put on the spot. This skill gives you time to go away and think about the response you would like to give.

For example

• Awkward question: “So how’s the love life going?”
• Answer 1 “Now there’s a question, I just need to pop to the loo, back soon.”
• Answer 2 “Excuse me just one moment while I grab a glass of water, I’ve got a dry throat.”
• Answer 3 “Hold that thought, just remembered I think I left my phone in the car.”

These all politely allow you time to escape giving you a moment to compose an answer. This is especially useful for people in a career where they are feeling overwhelmed and taken advantage of by colleagues and the workload.

So you may find it’s just easier not to talk about yourself and your situation certainly with family, friends and colleagues. 

"But that’s not saying that keeping it all inside is a good idea... it certainly isn’t." 

Finding the right person to talk to is the key, it might be a trusted friend or better still a therapist or counsellor who is impartial and non-judgemental. In these sessions you can talk about anything and everything, in fact the counsellor welcomes it, and you’d be amazed how much better you feel after just one session.

These are just some of the techniques your tailored plan may involve. It’s different for each person, and in therapy, we can use the time to practise and come up with some great responses to the expected uncomfortable questions you could be asked.

Preparation and practise is such a comfort to many of my clients, and just having that tailored plan sitting in your back pocket is a real reassurance and confidence booster for those awkward, fearful moments.

"Why not try out some of the techniques on people that don’t upset you, learn to master them and feel in control."

If you like these and want to learn more and improve your social skills therefore reducing anxiety, please contact me, I’d be happy to help you succeed and feel much more comfortable within social situations.

If you or someone you know is in need of some counselling, don’t hesitate to contact me by clicking here... Take care, Sam